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You Can’t Take It Back!
Proverbs 4:23 (New International Version)
“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.”
Matthew 5:8 (New International Version)
“‘Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.’”
Philippians 4:8 (New International Version)
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
YOU CAN’T TAKE IT BACK
Joe was not popular. He wasn’t a bad person, just not that outgoing. He came from a home that was less than perfect. His mom was always working, and he had to take care of his brothers and sisters when she wasn’t around. This didn’t give Joe much time for a social life. So he was surprised when Katie, a girl from his school, called and asked him for their math assignment. That one call grew into two calls. Two calls into a tutoring session. And pretty soon, Joe and Katie were spending a great deal of time together.
As their relationship grew, so did their desire for each other. The remembered sitting through a talk at their school about boundaries (both physical and emotional), but they couldn’t believe that those words were for them. They had such a great relationship with so much communication, nothing could possibly go wrong.
As the months went by they found themselves falling deeper and deeper into a pattern of less talk and more physical activity. Since Joe’s mom was gone a great deal, it wasn’t hard to find a place to spend time together.
After about six months, Katie was beginning to get tired of the relationship and wanted out. This was devastating to Joe. He really thought he “loved” Katie. When she left, she really broke his heart. He swore off girls indefinitely and decided that it was better to never let anyone close to him rather than to suffer the pain of a breakup again. It took him years to open up his heart again, and when he finally did, he had a great deal of baggage from his relationship with Katie that he had to work through.
Joe often wondered if he could have avoided all of this by making a different decision. But once a decision is made and action happens, you can’t take it back! When he told his later girlfriend-soon-to-be-fiancée about his relationship with Katie, it was very tough on her. She almost broke it off with Joe. You see, she wanted to be involved with someone who could be completely hers, and not have too many memories of other people he had loved. Sound crazy? Think about it!
- How cautious should you become if you are friends with someone with whom you want to spend more time?
- How can you spend time with someone you really “like” and remain a pure Christian?
- How can you spend time with a girl/guy and not get your heart broken?
- Why is it important to guard your heart?
- If you are a Christian who does your heart belong to?
2 Timothy 2:22 (Contemporary English Version)
“Run from temptations that capture young people. Always do the right thing. Be faithful, loving, and easy to get along with. Worship with people whose hearts are pure.”
HERE’S WHAT I THINK
A group of you have decided to go and play miniature golf. Included in the group of people is a guy/girl whom you really like. The group date is a lot of fun; everyone is having a good time. At one point in the evening, you and this other person find yourselves at the concession stand alone. Instead of heading back to the others, you wander around to the other side of the stand away from the lights. Obviously, this is exciting. One thing leads to another, and you end up getting face-to-face; you wonder what is going to happen next! You can both tell there is a mutual attraction between you, and your hearts are racing.
What do you do? You have committed to not date until you area a few years older. But it feels really good to be this close; it’s exciting. Should you continue to tempt fate, or go back to the group? Is it wrong to kiss someone, alone in the dark, or is it OK? Can you think of any Bible texts that might help you here?
Go to www.guidemagazine.org/rtf to post your answers. Be upfront and honest. Say what you think. Your thoughts and feelings may seem clearer to you when you write them down, so we’ve provided space for you here as well. You may also wish to share them with your class later.
1 Corinthians 13 (The Message)
The Way of Love
“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, ‘Jump,’ and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
“Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always ‘me first,’
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
“Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.”
“When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
“We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
“But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.”
Is it true love? Ask yourself these questions:
- Are you patient with each other?
- Are you kind to each other?
- Are you never envious of each other?
- Do you never boast to or about each other?
- Is your relationship characterized by humility?
- Are you never rude to each other?
- Are you not self-seeking?
- Are you not easily angered with each other?
- Do you keep no record of wrongs?
- Are you truthful with each other?
- Do you protect each other?
- Do you trust each other?
Those are the questions you should ask yourself when you believe that you have found a Christian companion. If you can answer yes, then you truly have a loving relationship.
James 3:17 (New International Version)
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”
“Few temptations are more dangerous or more fatal to young men than the temptation to sensuality, and none if yielded to will prove so decidedly ruinous to soul and body for time and eternity” (Mind, Character, and Personality, vol. 1, p. 231).
“How was your time employed hours together night after night? Were your position, your attitude, your affections such that you would want them all registered in the ledger of heaven? I saw, I heard things that would make angels blush. . . . No young man should do as you have done to N, unless married to her; and I was much surprised to see that you did not sense this matter more keenly” (Mind, Character, and Personality, vol. 1, p. 231).
1 Timothy 1:5 (New International Version)
“The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”
“We need to place a high value upon the right control of our thoughts, for such control prepares the mind and soul to labor harmoniously for the Master. It is necessary for our peace and happiness in this life that our thoughts center in Christ. As a man thinketh, so is he. Our improvement in moral purity depends on right thinking and right acting” (Mind, Character, and Personality, vol. 1, p. 235).
SO WHAT?
You are coming into a time, and some of you have already arrived, when you need to think about what you are going to do about relationships with the opposite sex. Should you date? Shouldn’t you date? How far is too far? What makes a good relationship? What sort of boundaries should you have on your heart and your body?
Wow, are there really that many questions? Well, the truth is there are those and about a zillion more you are going to need to ask yourself. In fact, it is important that you begin to ask these questions of yourself in order to prepare yourself for this confusing jungle we call relationships!
The good news is this: you have time! You are not going to get all the answers you are looking for this week, this month, or this year. It is possible you will never come up with all the answers on what makes a perfect relationship, or what it really means to be “dating.” However, what you can do is begin to keep a mental list of things you are looking for in someone you might date, and as well, you can begin to ask yourself what you want dating to mean to you.
It’s an exciting time; enjoy it, but don’t be too hasty to get started. Take some time to think and learn how to make some good decisions before you begin.
- How is being pure part of a good relationship?
- How do purity and love work in a dating relationship?
- When thinking about dating, should you only depend on the rules your parents give you, or should you make your own boundaries? (Explain).
- Who do you ultimately answer to when making choices about relationships and dating?
- Who sees and knows all that we do?
Look up the texts, and then match them with the partial verses that are provided below.
- Matthew 22:37, 38 (NIV)
- Matthew 22:39, 40 (NIV)
- Philippians 2:15 (NIV)
- 1 Corinthians 6:18, 19 (NIV)
- __________ “‘“Love the lord our God with all your heart” . . .’”
- __________ “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body
- __________ “ So that you may become blameless and pure. . . .”
- __________ “And the second is like it “‘Love . . . .”’”
Psalm 139:23, 24 (The Message)
“Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.”
Ephesians 5:3-5 (Contemporary English Version)
“You are God’s people, so don't let it be said that any of you are immoral or indecent or greedy. Don't use dirty or foolish or filthy words. Instead, say how thankful you are. Being greedy, indecent, or immoral is just another way of worshiping idols. You can be sure that people who behave in this way will never be part of the kingdom that belongs to Christ and to God.”
“In the youthful mind marriage is clothed with romance, and it is difficult to divest it of this feature, with which imagination covers it, and to impress the mind with a sense of the weighty responsibilities involved in the marriage vow. This vow links the destinies of the two individuals with bonds which naught but the hand of death should sever” (Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce, p. 14).
“Great care should be taken by Christian youth in the formation of friendships and in the choice of companions. Take heed, lest what you now think to be pure gold turns out to be base metal. Worldly associations tend to place obstructions in the way of your service to God, and many souls are ruined by unhappy unions, either business or matrimonial, with those who can never elevate or ennoble. Never should God's people venture upon forbidden ground. Marriage between believers and unbelievers is forbidden by God. But too often the unconverted heart follows its own desires, and marriages unsanctioned by God are formed. Because of this, many men and women are without hope and without God in the world. Their noble aspirations are dead; by a chain of circumstances they are held in Satan's net” (Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery, and Divorce, pp. 17, 18).
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
The search for someone with whom to spend the rest of your life is important. And it is important to make good decisions along the way to finding that person. Therefore, what you do now is critical in determining with whom you will be in the long run. If you want someone who is a virgin when you marry, it should be important to you to be a virgin as well. If you want someone who is kind, then you should seek to be kind. While these things should go without saying, sometimes we expect too much from those around us, and too little from ourselves.
The question of boundaries is an important one to ask yourself. Are you willing to give your heart completely to someone right now? If not now, when? Are you willing to wait until you think it is the right time? Or is it not about the right time, but the right person? Are you willing to give the intimacy that is involved in a physical relationship to someone before marriage? How much relationship baggage are you willing to carry into the next relationship you have? When is close too close? Where is God in the midst of this?
These are the questions that you have to struggle with as you grow up and begin to look for the companionship of the opposite sex. But remember, true fulfillment and identity come from being a child of God, not someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend!
- What information do you have that would help you set boundaries for your heart and your body?
- When will you know if it’s the right time for you to date?
- What rules do your parents have for you about dating?
- Do you really need to be picky about the person you date? Explain.
Ephesians 5:3 (The Message)
“Don't allow love to turn into lust, setting off a downhill slide into sexual promiscuity, filthy practices, or bullying greed. Though some tongues just love the taste of gossip, those who follow Jesus have better uses for language than that. Don't talk dirty or silly. That kind of talk doesn't fit our style. Thanksgiving is our dialect.”
Galatians 5:16-25 (The Message)
“My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?
“It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
“This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
“But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
“Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.
“Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.”
- Can we separate the responsibility we have to live a pure life in a dating relationship from any other relationship?
- Should you feel bad if you don’t have a special boy/girlfriend when everyone else does?
- What is it about dating that makes it so popular?
- Is dating as a Christian different from the world’s perspective? Explain.
- Why should we as Christian youth discuss dating and boundaries? Is it important? Explain.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
Philippians 2:15 talks of becoming pure and blameless. While it is totally God’s work to be perfecting us, our job is to seek to be obedient to Christ in all that we do. That means in all our relationships, but especially in the relationships we have with the other gender.
Here is a little list you can create to see what kind of person you are, and what kind of person you want to attract: Just fill in the blanks with character traits (honesty, integrity, joyfulness, etc.), and be as honest as you can be!
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I am |
I want to be |
I am looking for |
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Now, what steps can you take for three of the character traits you want to build into your life?
Character Trait 1 _________________________________________________________________
Step 1 ____________________________ Step 2_________________________
Step 3 __________________________________________________________
Character Trait 2
_________________________________________________________________
Step 1_________________________________Step2 _____________________
Step 3 ___________________________________________________________
Character Trait 3 _______________________________________________________________
Step 1 __________________________________Step 2 __________________
Step 3 __________________________________________________________